Over and over

Many of my friends and family keep asking me how Peru is and I find that my answer is intrinsically linked to my employment status, or rather, unemployment status. Clearly I am not cut out for the Mrs. Cleaver or Paris Hilton lifestyle. In fact, my self-worth is tied up in a complicated idea of independence that starts with gainful employment, the ability to pay my own bills, and employer-sponsored health insurance (a must if, like me, your medical history could fill a few volumes in your own life story's boxed set).

So I inevitably respond that Peru is okay, but I am looking forward to returning to the States. But to me, the idea of returning to the U.S. means that I will be employed and thereby financially independent. I will be able to provide for myself, and purchase those small whatnots at will. Something I am incapable of doing here in Lima - a situation exacerbated by the fact that the majority of my allowance (I'm a realist; I know who brings in the money) must be saved for entertaining my friends and family who come to visit (something I am happy to do, but made none the richer by). I also spend a good chunk of change for birthdays and holidays (or 5-year anniversaries...), so the reality of my life is that I can occasionally afford to buy myself a slice of Hannah's riciiiiiisimo banana pie (at Cafe Arabica here in Lima) and a cup of tea to while away the hours with a few friends.

Therefore, I haven't really experienced Peru as I had hoped to experience it. I had hoped to use Lima as a jumping off point for visiting much of South America, not to mention exploring all the wonders of Peru itself. Yet I find myself counting my pennies and being very selective about where to go and what to do. I suppose it is my nature to be fiscally conservative (again, I thank my mother who I am half-convinced has hidden a half-million dollars under her mattress), as I have been a home-body and a penny-pincher since I first started working at the age of 16, but it is tough to reconcile your expectations with reality. I had hoped to do so much more.

It hasn't helped that much of what I have seen in Peru has failed to awe me. The first few months of living in Peru, I noticed all of the differences between here and home; now, everything is commonplace and Lima has become my reality so the differences have faded into background noise. But in those first few months I was excited, trying new foods, going to new places (in the city at least), taking up new causes, and planning great things for my 2 years here. I was far more animated and motivated by my surroundings.

So I tried new foods. And was disappointed that I didn't like them more. And I tried new places. And found they weren't as wonderful as I was led to believe or that I was too exhausted to enjoy them properly. So I tried to give back to my temporary community by volunteering, and found that it is so difficult to get anything done here that the joy of the work is often leached out of the process. And so I labored even harder at my studies, to finish my degree and get that bright, shiny new job. And that, too, has been anticlimatic, with the poor economy severely hampering my efforts to become employed.

Yet the experience of Peru isn't wholy without merit. I befriended an amazing group of people, and have recently uncovered some of the best eats here in Lima - not too shabby for nearly a year in, I would say.

Now my honest answer to the question of Peru is that it has its ups, and it has its lows. But really, it is all what you make of it. And for me, well, I just need a job.